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Santa was claimed by Christians in much the same way they claimed December 25th, that is, by changing the original celebration to fit their needs. Saint Nicholas of Myra, a Greek bishop, was the Christian inspiration for Santa Claus, and as all things Christian in America, he has become the 'origin' of the character. Nothing could be further from the truth my friends and countrymen! And this Norman Rockwell mentally masturbated personage isn't even true to the Christian version of the story! He didn't drink Coca Cola and herald consumerism. The TRUE (fake) Santa Claus as I mentioned before was a Catholic bishop, and is famous for giving dowries to poor girls so they wouldn't have to become prostitutes (heartwarming isn't it?). In Europe he usually portrayed in his robes and pointy phallic bishop's hat, carrying a walking stick. He lived for Jesus, he died, and then the Italians pillaged his tomb and brought his remains to Italy in hopes of attracting pilgrims. A pretty unspectacular tale if you ask me...
The Dutch were instrumental in forming our modern day image of Santa Claus, or as they called him "Sinterklaas". I personally like Sinterklaas, as he is a pretty extreme dude... Not only did he have black slaves, errr assistants, named Zwarte Pieten "Black Peters" who traveled with him, but bad kids didn't get "a lump of coal in their stocking" rather, they were stuffed in a bag by Black Peter and taken to Spain! (THE HORROR?). Even more extreme than that is the Austrian/Alpine "companion" of Sinterklaas... THE KRAMPUS! Believe me, you'd rather be stuffed into a sack by Black Peter and sent to Spain than ever cross paths with the Krampus.
*THIS* is the Krampus! And please, for a moment, ignore the creepy catholic priest parallels your mind might naturally be drawing. The Krampus used to travel with Sinterklaas and scare the living shit out of the bad children. I actually love this idea because every time I am in a grocery store/restaurant/airplane and some brat won't shut the hell up I dream of a demonic creature jumping out and scaring it half to death with threats if it doesn't behave. But it gets worse ladies and gents... The Krampus has also been known to beat children with a switch if they've been especially naughty. And you see that basket full of fruit in the picture? Sometimes, he fills it with CHILDREN and dumps them into the pits of hell! (true story!) But it gets even better than that! As pointed out a few weeks back by the great St. Stephen of Colbert, in Austria to this day people dress up in scary Krampus suits on December 5th and literally scare real children! No wonder those Austrian children are so well behaved!
Well we've explained the elves (Negro slaves are not politically correct in America). We've discussed Santa's pet demon the Krampus, but where do we get the Chimney and the burnt cheeks (Sinter = Cinder)? For that we have to step into the way-back machine with Professor Peabody and take a trip to ancient pagan Europe!
The Norse god Odin is by all measures, one bad ass mofo. Not only is he the chief god in the Norse pantheon and the ruler of Asgard, but his name can translate into "fury" in certain languages! He is also the prime Santa, the origin of the character and the origin of some of our most popular unquestioned Christmas practices.Odin flew across the sky on an eight legged horse named "Sleipnir". Eight legged flying horse, eight reindeer... There are nine reindeer you say? Au contraire mon frere! Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer did not make his appearance until the 1930's, the original poem "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" was written in 1804 and only included the eight reindeer. Odin was also portrayed carrying a spear, this morphed into his shepherd's crook through the process of Christianization. There are much more concrete examples of the Odin/Santa connection! I would never ask you to believe me based on the horse-reindeer connection, it's way too weak...
During the winter, little Norse children would fill their boots with straws and carrots and leave them by the fireplace as a treat for Sleipnir the horse! Mysteriously they would find them emptied and replaced with treats and gifts come morning, placed there by Odin. This practice remains to this day in our hanging of Christmas stockings, the major difference is that now we leave milk and cookies for Santa instead of hay and carrots for horsie.
Sinterklaas is not, technically speaking, Odin. in fact he is an amalgamation of several ancient concepts, including Odin the All Father and the Yule Elf. We will be discussing Yule in detail tomorrow, but for now, suffice it to say that the original Christmas Elf was the gift giver. Red was the traditional color of the Teutonic elves of old. Bearded elf dressed in red giving gifts... Sound familiar?
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