Let's pass the Retaking Everything Taken from Americans Receiving Doublespeak Act... (RETARD Act)

I am sick and tired of the Acronyms... Sick and tired, up to my eyeballs and past my forehead (somehow) with them!

First we had the grandaddy of them all... the USA PATRIOT Act of 2001... which stood for... *deep breath* Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act of 2001


This ridiculous naming scheme caught the hearts and souls (but not the minds) of politicians everywhere, who realized that if you somehow associated a piece of legislation with a WORD people would have a much easier time of swallowing whatever tripe you were spooning out to them. The USA PATRIOT act for example, was everything BUT patriotic, however, having the buzz phrases "USA" and "PATRIOT" has assured it's re-ratification whenever provisions have expired. It was brilliant really, I mean who doesn't want to be a PATRIOT right? Even if it means losing all the freedoms that the original patriots fought for. But this is beside the point, the fact of the matter is that Americans think with some sort of vestigial brain-like appendage located somewhere near their rectum, instead of their actual brains, and seeing this, the politicians, who also think with that same appendage decided to use it to their advantage.

Since then, we have been subjected to the:

TARP (Troubled Assets Relief Program) which was an appropriate name, because TARPS are used to cover things, and this act was used to cover the TROUBLED ASSE(t)S of the country's largest banks. Personally I wish they would would have found a way to re-arrange the letters to make it the TRAP program, because really, that's what it was.

Of course we cannot forget the wonderful CARS program (Car Allowance Rebate System) otherwise known by its ubiquitous moniker "Cash for Clunkers", which only ended up being used by everyone in the media and political circles because they realized the only thing people love more than acronyms are snappy three word phrases with some sort of continuity.

This morning however, I learned about the newest one! There is a bill making its way through the congress that would limit the volume advertisers could broadcast their commercials at... It's a brilliant idea, because everyone I know gets annoyed as all bloody hell when they are listening to a station that transmits at low volume which suddenly becomes a cacophonous wall of sound when a commercial begins. Can you guess what they called this new bill? Let's play a bit of word association...

TV makes you stupid... Commercials are on TV because it makes you stupid and prone to buy things... buying things and being stupid is the main focus of advertisers... advertisers pump the volume up to 11 on their commercials to make sure the message is being heard... so... if they couldn't do that then people would be happy with the volume the way it is, and they wouldn't be woken when they are half asleep by a loud advertisement... so in stopping that you are helping people to relax... when people relax they become calm... So lets call it the CALM act of 2009!

That's no joke people... introducing you to the COMMERCIAL ADVERTISEMENT LOUDNESS MITIGATION Act! The CALM act!

The stupidity of our elected officials is baffling... We are standing on the precipice of financial collapse perpetrated by the largest banks who are now in the clear after repaying TARP money, our health care reform is about to be un-reformed right out of existence and we're escalating a war that is impossible to win, yet our legislators feel the need to talk about the volume of television commercials?

This makes me want to pass a new act...

Flattened Under Congressional Kakistocracy Culminating in Opportunistic Narcissistic Gerrymandering Representing Everything, Save Society, Act of 2009

F.U.C.K C.O.N.G.R.E.S.S Act of 2009

I should run for office...