To The Cast of MTV's "Jersey Shore":

Dear Troglodytes,

     As a person who has sat through your show once, at the urging of another, I can say fairly that this critique of your respective characters is not without its research. Now one may argue that one show is not enough to base an opinion on anyone, but in extreme cases such as yours I have to say that one episode is 5/6th of an episode more than I need to render judgement. Your program (and by virtue of it being "reality" you as well.) is a cesspool of human misery. In the one episode I saw, two different people got into two different fights, and one wretched hunched over homonculus by the name of "Snookie" proceeding to whore herself out for lack of a better term to some complete stranger with her loving mother's approval.

     Mind you, it isn't the accents, it isn't the Ed Hardy douchebag gear, it isn't the first pumping, and it isn't the spray on orange tan that makes you guys look like metrosexual polymorphed carrot people. Not at all! And it would be just as shallow and low class of me to use that as a base to attack your character as it is for you steroid-addled "guidos" (YOUR term, not mine) to punch women in the face. No my dear pigment-challenged friends, the true travesty, the true lack of character and understanding is that you lack the simple ability to realize what a set of first-class assholes you are, and what a disservice you are doing to your fellow Americans, by portraying yourselves as apelike and giving people the idea that your lifestyle choice should be venerated, or even worse, emulated. In olden days, characters like you would have been kept locked in the basement and only brought out of confinement for very special family occasions, more often than not being left to dine on stale bread and cabbage, beating metal pots against the bars like "Ruprecht the Monkey Boy", while the rest of your sane family members did their best to be productive members of society.

     Now however, in some sort of "The Dumb Shall Inherit The Earth" paradigm shift, your particular brand of mindless delusional existence is considered hip. I call this new style "Trailer Train wreck Chic" and it's sweeping the nation! It would be unfair of me to blame this on your show directly, as you are not the first, but merely the latest, in a long line of programming meant to bring us down to your level. I do however place the blame on any who would take a buck at the cost of their dignity and the greater damage they are causing to humanity as a whole. I would venture to say your affects are worse than heroin, because at least children are taught to stay AWAY from heroin and just by looking at a junkie for ten minutes would have that message cemented into their pliant little minds. But you guys and gals, and I use those terms loosely, are glamorizing the very things that are tearing our civilization apart.

     Today I read in the New York Post, and god knows why *any* publication would give you morons the time of day, that you all want a raise, that you want $10,000 each per episode next season. Congratulations, because you will get it, because apparently 4.8 million people enjoy train wrecks or really think you guys are neat-o enough to have watched your season finale. But let me ask, why do you guys deserve that money? Seriously, what do you bring to this world? Of what benefit is your vapid little piss fight of a television program, which is little more than cameramen following you around while you do the exact same things you'd do if there weren't one? In other words, why do you deserve a raise?

     Well, according to "Snookie" (which where I come from is the diminutive form of "Snook" a BIG NOSED fish) and I quote, "When we try to go to TGI Friday's or Applebee's, we can't eat because people go crazy." Well, that explains everything! You need a raise an entire ORDER OF MAGNITUDE because people like to say hello to you at Applebee's... Unless of course you mean people go crazy in the pull out a gun and kill random strangers crazy, in which case I totally agree that you are deserving of a large raise! But that isn't happening is it guys? I bet if anyone were to pull a gun at applebees, it would be one of you testosterone-hopped muscle heads.

     It seems folks, that we have a situation here, no, not you, "The Situation", so please sit down and quit pumping your fist in the air, you are getting spray on tan all over the upholstery... The situation is that a bunch of brain dead Jersey brats who don't deserve the measly pay they are getting now, are asking for more money than most professionals make in a year. Now, think about this guys... if you weren't the brain dead Jersey brats in question, would you not be opposed to this? I know subjectivity isn't the strong suit of single-brain-celled organism such as yourselves, but please try for a moment to view something from an outside point of view. If you could do so, I have no doubt that even the dumbest among you would punch the person you see in your mind's eye in the face.

    In summation, you don't deserve a raise. Fact is, you don't deserve a show! And although neither of these are within my power to deny you, a nice, curt, open letter is within my power to deliver! If I were the MTV executive who greenlit this show, upon seeing the first episode, I would have felt a deep and lingering shame... But, after reading that 4.8 million otherwise (mostly) intelligent human beings wasted an hour of their lives on your season finale, you would have found me in my office, decked out in my ritual whites, with my entrails spilling onto the ground after I committed seppuku for dishonoring the world by bringing breath to your fecal opus... My death poem, written in the traditional tanka style, would read simply;

Waves pound upon shore,
Seagull's cry, by cackle broke.
Tears come to my eyes,
While night embrace my shoulders,
"Situation" is ended.